Today’s article will be about male and female communication. We will also give you an incredible tool called LUCA.

This is a communication model that is absolutely imperative for navigating tricky situations regarding relationships.

When we communicate with our partners, things can often be misunderstood and misconstrued due to our own state of mind in a certain situation.

We often act too rash and harsh without properly analyzing the situation, because our emotions are involved.

How men and women communicate

When we are talking about male and female dynamics on this blog, we often compare each gender to “chimps” (chimpanzees).

This is because the intersexual dynamics between men and women strongly resemble those of chimpanzee tribes. Although humans are able of rational thought and actions based on these rational thoughts, men and women both mostly act on primal drives forwarded to them by the limbic brain.

Please consider that we’re talking in generalities here. There are always exceptions, however, these are a small minority.

The “good” chimp?

First we have to understand that women want to be labeled as the “good chimps”. Everything about their communications is to protect this “good chimp” status in the social environment they are in. This is why women rarely take accountability for their actions.

They don’t want to be seen as a bad person and therefore (in general) refuse to acknowledge blame for anything. Therefore, you see women constantly blame the sun, their period and their zodiac signs for their bad behavior instead of taking blame for their actions.

Women do this because in ancient times, taking the blame for something could mean ostracization from the tribe.

This, in turn, would lead them to die in the wilderness as women were not able to survive for themselves. Possible ostracization is therefore a huge survival issue for women and they will fight tooth and nail to prevent it from happening.

We may live in different times now, but our brains didn’t have enough time to evolve and adapt to the fast changes of the world.

If a woman does not learn how to take blame from outside sources (like parents or another strong influence in her life) without feeling like she will be cast out from the contextual “tribe”, she will constantly try to deflect the blame and manipulate her environment into believing that she still is a “good” chimp.

We would therefore not advise to make a woman out for a bad chimp. She must acknowledge her wrongdoings, sure, but the man has to lead this process in a diligent way. Because as soon as a woman senses that she is made out to be the villain in the interaction, she feels like she’s unjustly judged as a bad person.

See this article for more info about how to handle arguments with a woman. For the moment, just understand that you will not be able to have a reasonable discussion with a woman while she’s trying to defend her social status as “good” chimp.

Women and emotional communication

Second, we have to understand that women communicate differently than men. As women are emotional beings, they are more prone to transmit emotional messages with which they interpret the world. For them, the truth lies not necessarily in what is objectively true, but more so in what feels to be true for them in the moment.

We could say that women process their emotions through talking. In doing this, women try to make sense of the emotions they are feeling. Essentially, they try to post talk justify the emotions they were feeling or an action they have taken because of this feeling.

Their communication goes somewhat like this:

Instinct -> unconscious mind -> emotions -> Logic

This is another reason why it is futile to argue with a woman. As long as she’s in an emotional state, she will not react favorably to the logical arguments a man presents her with. She is still trying to process her emotions through talking and before she finishes this process, you will not be able to get through to her.

Examples of this dynamic

An example that you will probably understand: Say a woman presents you with a problem she had at work.

You listen to the first part of the problem and then, thinking like a man, decide to offer her solutions. She gets mad at you in turn and accuses you of never listening to her. See what happened there?

Most of the time, women don’t look for solutions when they talk about their problems or their day. They just want you to listen to them.

This should not mean that women are not able to talk or think with logic, but they need to process their emotions first and foremost.

Women also use more subtle / ambiguous language and communicate more indirectly with implications and innuendo. Indirect communication often involves subtle language, including a particular choice of words to maintain polite speech and avoid offending the receiver. Being polite is often more important than being succinct as an indirect communicator.

Therefore, it is often up to the man to “decipher” what a woman means when she says something. At the same time, women also interpret things they hear rather than hearing the actual words that were said literally.

The useful chimps?

On the other side of the coin, men want to be labelled as the “useful chimps”.

Men can only achieve a certain standing in society based on the pretense that they are providing something. The same context applies for the love of a woman.

A man will only be loved by a woman if he is fulfilling her needs. This is why Conquer and Elevate (and other spaces like them) often mention a “burden of performance” that lies on men. If men do not perform, they are useless, and being useless is the nightmare of every man.

This is because in ancient times, the responsibility of precuring resources was placed on the man. A man that couldn’t obtain resources for his tribe or his family was useless and therefore has no status in said tribe.

For a man to be happy, he must provide to those around him and to society at large. While this can be a huge positive when it comes to building the comfort necessary for humanity to survive, it also means that men are more prone to self-sacrifice in order for their loved ones to live comfortably.

Many of you probably know a man who is unhappy in a long term relationship or marriage and decides to “make it work for the kids”. You see this dynamic at play there.

Men and logical communication

Men also communicate with logic. This means that they don’t talk to justify how they were feeling at a specific moment or an action they have taken.

Men are more solution-oriented and act on objective evidence rather than how they are feeling at a specific moment (Logic). In addition to this, testosterone suppresses their capacity to feel emotions as intensely as women.

Their communication goes something like this:

Instinct -> unconscious mind -> Logic -> Emotions

While women talk to justify an emotion or action, men talk about solutions to problems. They are not as interested in how they are feeling but rather what needs to be done in order to move forward and continue with life.

This is why you never see a group of men talking about zodiac signs or the pants they bought last weekend. For the most part, men discuss ideas.

In the hunter-gatherer tribe, men had to be able to solve problems or admit to mistakes quickly, as the survival of the tribe depended on them. If they were able to find a fast solution to a problem or fix mistakes, they increased their likelihood of killing the deer or men from other tribes.

While men are talking, they are communicating directly. Direct communication is a way of conveying clear messages or instructions. It involves sharing what you feel or think without the possibility of a recipient becoming confused.

Men also speak more literally. Not only that, they also hear more literally. They most likely hear the words that were spoken and not the underlying meaning of them.

How the communication styles cause differences

The different communication style of men and women can lead to unpleasant situations, in which both partners essentially communicate at cross purposes and an argument ensues.

For example, a woman might say one thing but mean a completely different one. The man however, understands the thing the woman said more literally instead of reading between the lines.

Let’s make this clearer by the following example:

Think about the woman who says to her man:

Her: “We never go out and do something romantic anymore”

A man will understand this literally and probably answer with something like:

Him: “That’s not true, we went out just last week!”

And there lies the miscommunication. The woman stated in this moment that she “feels” as if her and her man are never doing something anymore and probably wants her man to take charge and either organize a date or tell her that this is not an option at the moment.

By the answer the man has given, he essentially disregarded her feelings and interpreted things wrong. Most likely, an accusation will follow, and a fight ensues.

This can have various consequences, which you can probably imagine without me telling you. These consequences can go as far as the end of the relationship.  

To be an effective leader in a relationship, a man must therefore know how to manage conversations with his woman and lead them in a productive direction. But how do you do this?

This is where I will give you a tool that can be very useful in navigating and leading conversations.

This tool is called LUCA. You will possibly hear about it for the first time on our site, but I have to give credit to Paul from Apexmindset.net for this.

LUCA

Luca Essentially consists of four different stages you use during an interaction with a woman. It appeals to male and female communication in the sense that it plays to our strenghts as men and diffuses women’s emotions. Here is a quick overview before we dive into the depths of the model:

L – Listen

U – Understand

C – Clarification

A – Action

The model uses the different observations about female communication in the fist parts of this post. Let us elaborate further:

L – Listen

While the title is a no brainer, we want to elaborate further on how to “listen” the right way. We know that if your woman comes to you with a complaint or a need to communicate about something, she wants you to listen.

Therefore, you listen to what she has to say without interrupting her or trying to justify anything. Shut up. Just listen to her at first. If she stops talking, wait for a few seconds and see if she goes on.

If she doesn’t, ask if she wants to add something more. You can also acknowledge the things she’s saying or repeat something back to her, as you would do with active listening.

You want her to feel heard at first.

U – Understand

The second part of this model is to get understanding. You want to understand exactly where your woman is coming from to then decide the course of action for the present situation.

Step 2 and Step 3 are somewhat intertwined, because to get full understanding about where your woman is coming from, you need to ask questions.

C – Clarification

Women communicate in ambiguous language. For you to understand where she’s coming from completely, you will have to ask questions. They should be posed in a neutral way and only serve one purpose: To get understanding and clarification.

Don’t ask questions defensively or aggressively. The purpose of this step is to peel the layers back and get to the underlying issue she has. Dig as deep as it is necessary for her to communicate everything you need to know.

You can also give her a short elevator pitch on what you understood up until now and ask her if this is what she means.

Let us give you an example to simplify this:

You: As far as I understood, you want to ….. / you have the following problem…. / you’re upset because …/ etc., is that correct?

Understanding and clarification will show her that you listen to her and understand her concerns (or whatever in this situation). This will make her feel heard and understood. It will also mean that she will feel like you consider her input in the decision you’re making in the next step.

A – Action

The final step will be to decide on a future course of action regarding this issue. This is the man’s responsibility, as they are (generally) better at solving problems and leading.

If you peeled the layers back correctly in step 2 and 3, you will know exactly what the woman’s concerns are and can therefore make a decision. The important thing to consider during the decision making process is this:

What is the best course of action for the relationship in this case? Does her input make sense? Are her feelings relevant for the path laying ahead? Is her complaint/ issue even a real issue and important for the future course of the relationship?

Depending on what was the underlying issue, your decision can be a certain course of action for the future, reassuring her in a masculine way, humor, etc.

If she asks questions about the decision you made, you can of course clarify them. It is important for a leader to get concerns about the future course of action out of the way. The decision can be solidified by issuing statements of fact such as “Considering all the things we discussed so far, this is the best course of action for us in the future.”

Statements of facts will be covered in another article, so don’t worry. Just know that a statement of facts is a sentence that sets forward factual information without argument. You essentially set the standard.

Final thoughts

Before we finish, I want to share some thoughts with you.

It is absolutely imperative for a man to understand how women communicate. Remember that this blog-post covers only a small fraction of male and female communications and is in no way complete. If you want to dive further into the female mind, consider visiting our “male and female dynamics” category on our blog.

Also remember that LUCA is no black-and-white communication tool. Depending on the situation, you will go through each of the steps mentioned above much faster or much more thorough.

It takes some time to understand it and master it completely but once you do, your relationship will be much smoother. Nevertheless, I know that this is a complicated topic and if you have any questions, do not hesitate to write a comment below.

It is also important, that you don’t DEER throughout the process of using this communication tool. This means that you don’t defend yourself, you don’t seek validation by explaining (unless she is genuinely(!) asking you to clarify), excuse your behavior/ things you said or rationalize why you did /said something.

In the future, we will post another blog-post regarding DEERing but rest assured – it is a horrible relationship strategy.

Thanks for tuning in today and don’t forget to follow us on our social media pages!

Also check out the second part of this series if you’re a woman. You will gain some more insight on what you can do while a man is trying to lead the situation in the right way with LUCA.

Best – Conquer and Elevate